Thursday, December 8, 2011

Darn the Torpedoes!

Remember how I discovered a pet shop that was willing to share a hedgehog with me sometime in the ambiguous future? But they were expensive and it was the holidays and I decided to exercise restraint?

Well. Much like all of you after 3.5 weeks of sticking to your New Years resolution, I decided exercise wasn't as important as sweet sweet instant gratification.

I called the pet shop today and said "Darn the torpedoes, I need a hedgehog and I need it now! Fetch me one, pet wench!"

Actually, I lied. She was not a wench. She was a nice little old lady. And I called from work. And so in a very businessy tone, I said this:

"Hello, My name is Lauren. I called last week about a hedgehog and I'd like to go ahead and see if you will get one in for me. Yes. A boy one, I'm not picky about colors but please no albino's. I plan to take him everywhere with me and I don't want to burn him with the sun".

I lied about saying the last part again.

See what NOT having a hedgehog does to me? I'm so severely lacking in unconditional pet love that I'm using outlandish hyperboles to impress strangers over the Internet.

The pet shop lady (who was a different pet shop lady than I talked to last time and now I'm confused as to which one is "Mary") was less certain this time. "I'll see what we can get in for next week. You want it before Christmas?"

Lady. I want it yesterday. But I just said "That would be great, But I'm actually OK anytime in the next three weeks". OMG Lauren! What! Of course you want it next week. What are you thinking!

She was also a little less certain about price this time, too. "It could be *blank* dollars. Is that OK with you?" Could be? eeeeeeeexcellent.

Any who. That's my news. I'm committed now. The only way out of hedgehog ownership at this point is if the  pet shop doesn't find one. Still. He may be here NEXT WEEK which is sooner than than I was planning. I have a lot to do. I think this is what "nesting" feels like, but I'm scared to go ask the internet because the meanie moms may not appreciate me "minimizing" their "sacred instincts of womanhood" to prepare for "bringing life into the world" by comparing it with me looking forward to having a hedgehog maybe. (Try not to imagine birthing a 1 pound mammal with 5-7,000 quills. OK?)

Yes. Lots to do.

Like pick a name.

I thought I had it narrowed down to Percival, Neville, or Milton. (My facebook friends picked Neville. But if I name a pet after my favorite Harry Potter Character, that's crossing a line of fan-girl dom that I'm not sure I want to cross.

Oh! But I just thought of Elmer?



Claude? Walter? Turbo?


The further I narrow it down, the more NEW names I have on my list. At this point the only thing I'm sure I'm NOT naming him is the obvious choice. Sonic. I want the kind of name that sort of reminds you of your old Jewish grandfather that-I-don't-have and sort of makes you chortle with irony when you realize I'm referring to a hedgehog.

Try saying Bernard out loud to this picture? Does that sound right? Bernie?

He also needs a home, some bedding, water bottles, wheels, balls, fleece. (Hedgehogs like fleece. They're prickly pigs after my own Columbia obsessed heart.) OOohhhh... I wonder if I can find "Sonic the Hedgehog patterned fleece!

Have to go. Google is calling.


  1. Ohhh that picture is SO CUTE. And YES. Bernard. He totally looks like a Bernard. Definitely.

  2. I have to tell you, I was really liking Percival. But I guess you won't know for sure until you meet the guy.

  3. As the mother of four, I can tell you I am not insulted by the comparison of waiting for an adorable little hedgehog to pushing out an eight pounder from your hoo-haw. I'm certain you're nesting. Have at 'er!
    PS: You're funny!