Monday, December 5, 2011

Wierd Things that I Judge.

ONE.) Men with aerodynamic hair. I have never met a guy with slicked back hair that wasn't a douchcanoe. It usually works the other way around, too.
Someone: "Oh. I heard about a CEO who fired 10,000 people so hat he could keep his multi-million dollar bonus."

Me: "Did he also have hair like a 1990's bicycle helmet that spent some time in a Long John Silver's fryer?"

Someone: " HOW DID YOU KNOW!"

Me: "It's my superpower. I can also predict how likely it is that a girl with make-out with you based on the length and obviousness of her fake hair."

TWO.) Girls with "inspirational" reminder tattoos. Like "remember to breathe" or "This too shall pass" or any form of Christina Aguilera lyrics. I get it. They probably had a tough time in their past, they came through it and they are proud of their new-found emotional durability, and wanted to commemorate that. But writing out the mantra on their skin forever?

Girl: "Check out my 'Remember to breathe tattoo'! It has a really personal meaning to me."

Me: "You need a reminder to breathe? That WOULD be info I'd want to keep personal."

Girl: "No silly, it's a reminder from overcoming my Crack addiction."

Me: "Oh. Soooooo..... you had brain damage from the crack?"

Girl: "no."

Me: " Soooooooo, did it eat a hole in your nose and it affects your breathing?"

Girl: "no. And that's cocaine that you snort, not crack. crack comes in rocks* and that would hurt."

Me: "Sounds like that would indeed result in some solid brain damage."

Girl: "I do not have brain damage."

Me: "How do you know? I'm not sure that's something you'd have to be cognizant of."


* I had to Google this.

THREE.) Transparent attempts to misrepresent oneself via Facebook. Hide it better.

Example A.) Friend who's statuses are all militant about being part of the tax-paying 51%-same friend who's statuses were all about the awesome bar-hop she funded with her tax return back in April. Uh-huh.

Example B.) Friends whose statuses are exclusively uncredited song lyrics. No one thinks you're a poet. One of those was Nickleback. And now you're defriended.

Example C.) I'm on Pinterest too, Friend. I know where you got that clever sentence. I'm not fooled. No one is. Adding the emoticon and misusing their/they're/there didn't trick me. I know you aren't that witty. You left witty in the bottom of a Viaka bottle back in community college.

Example D.) Friend who posts pictures of herself that don't look anything like herself. We get it. You've mastered the art of brightening photos until we can't see your adult acne.


  1. Hahahahah. This might be my favorite post of yours. I feel you on pretty much all them. Especially SexyAngles poses. We all know you're not that hot in real life bee-yatch!

  2. I'm with you on all of them, but I'm especially with you on D. I have a pal who airbrushes all her photos on FB. It is infuriating. She's a very pretty gal who looks flawless, so when she airbrushes herself in these photos, she looks like a ghost.

    And people wonder why I don't visit more often. Hmph. Facebook is a breeding ground for attention whoriness and I'm tired of it!


  3. You are mean and condescending. Please be my best friend, because I think we're soul mates.

  4. @Therebelchick

    Those are not reeeeeaallly qualities I personally would want in a friend, but whatever floats your boat!

  5. Psssh, that's not weird at all.

    One: I like to slick my hair back after I get out of a shower to creep out the wife. God, she hates it, and man, do I transform from everyday guy to douchebag in mere seconds. It's creepy.

    Two: I agree with this 100%. I can't think of a single person who's ever looked at a girl's tramp stamp that says "LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE" in Barbie pink letters and thought, man, she is so right, I should live life to the fullest. I think of it almost like bathroom literature... it's just something to look at while he's banging her retarded.

    Three: My wife has two younger friends that got knocked up almost at the exact same time, were forced by their parents to marry the guys they were currently banging, and forced to spit out the kids and raise them (they wanted abortions). And yet their Facebooks are just covered in, "We're such a happy family! I have a great husband and a beautiful baby and so does my best friend! Life is so perfect!" Yeah, keep painting a picture of the perfect, white picket fence life while living in your parents' basement with your drug dealer shotgun wedding husband and the baby you didn't want. We totally buy into it.