Monday, January 23, 2012

He "Is" a Character, But He Doesn't "Have" any Character- And That's OK With SC.

Newt Gingrich addresses questions about his moral and ethical lapses

Confused? Newt Gingrich won the South Carolina Primary this past weekend despite (and partially because of ) his 2nd Ex-Wife Marriane's interview about his requesting an open marriage between them and his longtime then-mistress-now-third-wife Calista. 
Days after she was diagnosed with MS.
 Then Newt asked Calista to marry him. 
Calista said yes. 
Then he asked Marriane for a divorce.
 In that order.
 Then he blamed his debauchery on his patriotism. Quote: "There's no question at times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate." Because, as everyone knows, when you are really focused on work (impeaching Clinton for Lewinsgate no less), you have plenty of time to have very public affairs with pretty blonde staffers 23 years your junior for 6 whole years. In fact. It's just inevitable. Obvi.

But notice that he said "things" happened.
Because Marriane wasn't the first sick wife he traded in for a younger model. 

When Newt was 19, he married his high school geometry teacher, Jackie. She put him through Emory and Tulane Universities and bankrolled his first political campaigns. (Newt is a career politico, he ran for office right out of college, without ever having taken a job for experience.) Newt began having an affair with the woman who would be his 2nd wife, Marriane. He told his campaign treasurer, L.H. Carter, that Jackie was "not young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of the President. And besides, she has cancer." (Newt's campaign claims this is a fabricated statement by a bitter former staffer. Which of course means "This statement is true but I'm going to claim the staffer is a jealous ex. He's the bad guy. I swear. Poor Poor me.")
So Newt proposed to Marriane. 
Marriane said yes. 
Newt filed for Divorce from Jackie. 
WHILE SHE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL for cancer treatments.
In that order. 
Newt claimed that Jackie asked for the divorce (until 2011!). Unfortunately, the divorce records are publicly available, and they show otherwise. I'm accustomed to lying politicians, but usually they're smarter than that. 

Not Newt. 

In fact, Newt is also the only person to serve as Speaker of the House in the history of America to be convicted of ehtics violations. Busted. 

But the good, God fearing, family folk of South Carolina (and new polls show Florida, as well) don't want to hear what those "left-wing, media elite on a smear campaign" have to say. They cheered when Newt ducked character questions in the debate in the same breath as racist anti-welfare epitaphs. 

Can you imagine the Gingrich White House? 

We'd have a President that looks like the "Family Circus" kid after 50 years of off and on VD treatments.

Staffed exclusively with wide-eyed blondes in snappy skirt suits, and decorated liberally with Tiffany's knick knacks. (Newt has a famously large line of credit at the famous jewelry store. Open marriages must require a lot of "I'm-sorry-I-impregnated-that-twenty-something-campaign-volunteer-but-in-my-defense-I-converted-to-catholicism-for-you-and-now-contraceptives-are-out-of-the-question-and-besides-I-was-feeling-very-passionate-about-my-country" presents. And "sorry-I-impregnated-you-please-accept-this-silver-baby-rattle-as-a-token-of-my-temporary-"love"-and-never-contact-me-again" presents.) When Newt realizes that his  economy is on it's death bed, he'll run for Prime Minister of some hot, young, former Soviet Bloc country before resigning as POTUS. Then he'll convert to communism and claim his fling with America was a manifestation of his devotion to his new motherland. Poor Calista will be shell shocked. I can just see the look on her face for her first official state dinner as first lady of Not-America. 

Oh wait. That's just her regular, Kennedy Center, red carpet face:

That photo isn't even Photoshopped at all. 


  1. UGH yeah. Did you hear that put up a billboard that "endorsed him" (showing that affairs are mainstream)? What a scummy guy

  2. I share Newt's patriotic enthusiasm. Because as I was thrusting into a girl young enough to be my daughter, I assure you, I was DOING IT FOR AMERICA.

    *raucous applause*

    I'm good at this. Maybe I should run for president.